Zeal fish (or, "The Borg")

The word of the day is moralistic. I had to look it up to see if it was what I meant. It's about right. In particular, I have in mind a sort of inflexible, unsympathetic, conventional, purist rulishness.

I'm generally a cautious type when it comes to rules. Growing up, in contrast to those who "push the fence" (flirting with transgression), my Mom described me as standing in the middle of the field, asking if I was anywhere close to the fence so that I might avoid getting near it.

In college, I tended to feel like I was pushing harder to serve God in disciplined zeal than my friends were, going to greater lengths to avoid potential sin, taking on a higher standard of responsibility. I found that difference problematic. We fish are geared to swim in schools.

I appreciate mixed metaphors. Geared fish of zeal swiming about in groups... Sort of like The Borg.

Generally after trying for a while to live in the utmost ideal of caution and responsibility I would get frustrated. That would push me to look for more practical ways to satisfy the jist of the principles without being a lone monk.

Particularly in my post-college Salt Lake City era, things sort of flipped. I've discovered in myself a substantial amount of frustration with religious compulsiveness in its various guises and tried to loosen up, hoping to purge my mindset of unnecessary anxieties and unjustified barriers to enjoying life. At times, some of my motivation has also been a hope to experience God's unconditional love for me. I've felt like too much of my sense of his warmth toward me is focused on my performance; when I'm not sure whether I'm performing ideally (which is usually), I'm not sure God's smiling. So I've looked for a kind of a prolonged Sabbath of sorts where Tom's zealous efforts can more palpably take back seat. Or have I really just gotten more lazy and self-indulgent? I'm not sure it's an either-or. I'm guessing that both the positive and negative motives have been at work in me.

Fittingly, the social situation has flipped too. Here I've found myself among close friends driven to live in disciplined zeal. That sometimes hits a raw nerve in me; some of what gives them joy makes me anxious. Recently I was in a group discussing Ephesians 5:3-6. Some of what was said felt oppressively moralistic to me, although I'm not sure to what extent that was because of people actually being unhelpfully moralistic versus me wanting to have my sin left alone. Regardless, I had better not judge the speakers.  I wonder how much I've played the moralist in my discussions, with someone else in the discussion feeling as I did, while I went away happy.

I need to voice a certain fence pushing of mine here: reading passages like Eph 5:3-6, sometimes I wonder if Paul is a moralistic prude-- or, from another angle, if what strikes me as moralistic prudishness is a proper element of being a Christian. Sorry, that unsavory notion probably doesn't help anyone. I have reservations about the Bible and how we deal with it to work through. Somehow I get irritated sometimes when people speak zealously about it. Sometimes. Sometimes it's over silly things: the title "the Word" (applied strictly to the Bible) tends to annoy me in particular. All this is probably another reason why I sometimes feel uncomfortable among my zealous friends. Even if I know they're probably zealous about something very good, I still dissonate with them at times. We fish are geared to swim in schools.

Please understand, I'm not saying this because I want to drag any of you into doubt with me.  I'm sorry if this is a downer. I regard the paragraph above as a problem. I'm sharing it anyway because I don't want to either A) hide my problems (to be more highly regarded as a man of faith), or B) feel like I have to somehow "fix" my problems immediately. Expressing to you my issues is meant as an invitation to journey together on the muddy, bug-infested trails, not just the picturesque legs of the trip-- even as the dissonant fish that we may be.

"B" brings up another mindset shift in this phase of my life: I'm learning to take problems (such as troublesome feelings, attitudes, fears etc) out, put them on the table, suspend my judgment about them, and carefully work through them. Maybe I'll discover something good and helpful in the process. This is part of the freedom I've been seeking: to be able to peacefully work through stuff with God, without having to rush to whatever I suppose is "the right answer" or feeling generally delinquent during the process.

I wonder if God intentionally put me on the other end of 'zeal' for a while in order to teach me a thing or two. Cuz I don't feel like I could just choose to be zealous at this point-- at least zealous in a normal way. I hope he breaks down my pride. I hope I get wiser and learn to understand and love people better. I hope I get some wisdom I can share.

Thanks for reading. I hope you were able to understand all this. Have you faced similar issues? Do you see others facing them? What are your thoughts?