Zeal fish (or, "The Borg")

The word of the day is moralistic. I had to look it up to see if it was what I meant. It's about right. In particular, I have in mind a sort of inflexible, unsympathetic, conventional, purist rulishness.

I'm generally a cautious type when it comes to rules. Growing up, in contrast to those who "push the fence" (flirting with transgression), my Mom described me as standing in the middle of the field, asking if I was anywhere close to the fence so that I might avoid getting near it.

In college, I tended to feel like I was pushing harder to serve God in disciplined zeal than my friends were, going to greater lengths to avoid potential sin, taking on a higher standard of responsibility. I found that difference problematic. We fish are geared to swim in schools.

I appreciate mixed metaphors. Geared fish of zeal swiming about in groups... Sort of like The Borg.

Generally after trying for a while to live in the utmost ideal of caution and responsibility I would get frustrated. That would push me to look for more practical ways to satisfy the jist of the principles without being a lone monk.

Particularly in my post-college Salt Lake City era, things sort of flipped. I've discovered in myself a substantial amount of frustration with religious compulsiveness in its various guises and tried to loosen up, hoping to purge my mindset of unnecessary anxieties and unjustified barriers to enjoying life. At times, some of my motivation has also been a hope to experience God's unconditional love for me. I've felt like too much of my sense of his warmth toward me is focused on my performance; when I'm not sure whether I'm performing ideally (which is usually), I'm not sure God's smiling. So I've looked for a kind of a prolonged Sabbath of sorts where Tom's zealous efforts can more palpably take back seat. Or have I really just gotten more lazy and self-indulgent? I'm not sure it's an either-or. I'm guessing that both the positive and negative motives have been at work in me.

Fittingly, the social situation has flipped too. Here I've found myself among close friends driven to live in disciplined zeal. That sometimes hits a raw nerve in me; some of what gives them joy makes me anxious. Recently I was in a group discussing Ephesians 5:3-6. Some of what was said felt oppressively moralistic to me, although I'm not sure to what extent that was because of people actually being unhelpfully moralistic versus me wanting to have my sin left alone. Regardless, I had better not judge the speakers.  I wonder how much I've played the moralist in my discussions, with someone else in the discussion feeling as I did, while I went away happy.

I need to voice a certain fence pushing of mine here: reading passages like Eph 5:3-6, sometimes I wonder if Paul is a moralistic prude-- or, from another angle, if what strikes me as moralistic prudishness is a proper element of being a Christian. Sorry, that unsavory notion probably doesn't help anyone. I have reservations about the Bible and how we deal with it to work through. Somehow I get irritated sometimes when people speak zealously about it. Sometimes. Sometimes it's over silly things: the title "the Word" (applied strictly to the Bible) tends to annoy me in particular. All this is probably another reason why I sometimes feel uncomfortable among my zealous friends. Even if I know they're probably zealous about something very good, I still dissonate with them at times. We fish are geared to swim in schools.

Please understand, I'm not saying this because I want to drag any of you into doubt with me.  I'm sorry if this is a downer. I regard the paragraph above as a problem. I'm sharing it anyway because I don't want to either A) hide my problems (to be more highly regarded as a man of faith), or B) feel like I have to somehow "fix" my problems immediately. Expressing to you my issues is meant as an invitation to journey together on the muddy, bug-infested trails, not just the picturesque legs of the trip-- even as the dissonant fish that we may be.

"B" brings up another mindset shift in this phase of my life: I'm learning to take problems (such as troublesome feelings, attitudes, fears etc) out, put them on the table, suspend my judgment about them, and carefully work through them. Maybe I'll discover something good and helpful in the process. This is part of the freedom I've been seeking: to be able to peacefully work through stuff with God, without having to rush to whatever I suppose is "the right answer" or feeling generally delinquent during the process.

I wonder if God intentionally put me on the other end of 'zeal' for a while in order to teach me a thing or two. Cuz I don't feel like I could just choose to be zealous at this point-- at least zealous in a normal way. I hope he breaks down my pride. I hope I get wiser and learn to understand and love people better. I hope I get some wisdom I can share.

Thanks for reading. I hope you were able to understand all this. Have you faced similar issues? Do you see others facing them? What are your thoughts?

Faith, credulity and "intellectual virtures"

I've been writing again lately. I've been working on a book of sorts that I'm calling God and the Gadflies (a name I had for the book before I started the blog) in which I explore my own spiritual doubts: the story, the reasons, the experience and feelings, and how to respond. Here's an excerpt from what I've written lately:

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There is a time when questioning assumptions and choices is highly valuable and a time when it can be counterproductive. I am a zealot for the value of questioning in its time, and doing it well. Provided that deliberation is a live option, the more important a decision is, the more careful, critical and unconventional an examination it deserves. 

For many people (and increasingly with age), the question of fundamental religious beliefs (or unbeliefs) seems to be a done deal. That’s probably appropriate for many of them. In particular, faithful Christians established in their beliefs can, through their beliefs, be gutsier, more resilient, more devoted and more reliable in the good that they do than if they lived in meaningful uncertainty concerning their basic understanding of things. I respect such people and hope to become like some of them. But the process of maturing into the creatures we ought to be requires different challenges for each of us.

As an intellectual person, I wish to culture and apply my gifts and to grow in character especially in ways relevant to those gifts. I am viscerally convicted of the value of the intellectual dimensions of humility, empathy, fairness, courage, perseverance and integrity. This is an important part of who I am. I believe it should be my aim to be heedful of my limits, owning up to my ignorance and weaknesses and inconsistencies in reasoning; to stand in the shoes of other people, thinking from their points of view as best as I can and responding to what I find as I would wish to be treated and listened to; to apply even and appropriate standards in my thinking; to face ideas I find disagreeable, threatening or detrimental to my own interests with a desire to learn;  to persevere in struggling with confusion and disquieting uncertainties in pursuit of truthful understanding whether I receive praise or discouragement for my efforts, without taking shortcuts; to change my mind in the face of a solid case even when it means swallowing my pride; to favor openness, not hiding from scrutiny and accountability;  and to help us each freely and soberly make our own belief choices without being manipulated or under the spell of intimidating circumstances, for in persuasion I believe the ends do not justify the means.

To me all this is the love of truthfulness and daylight. And through being guided by truthful methods, I propose that rather than simply believing what we want to believe, we can value the truth that meets those who seek it, even if we don’t actually know what the truth is. These principles of how to deal with ideas also play a role in extending respect and goodwill to people who are different from us.

My emphasis on these virtues, coupled with other observations that I will explain in due course, has led me to question the factual claims of my religion.

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And I go on. What do you think? Do you agree with the stated values? Do you see blind spots? A particular problem that bothers me from time to time is the notion that maybe Christian faith and these "intellectual virtues" are at odds -- like, say, if faith required biased credulity-- trying to believe a certain thing (period) rather than trying to follow whatever clues you have wherever they lead. Is there any basis for that concern?